today i want to talk about being sad.

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because i’ve been feeling pretty sad, all day yesterday and today.
and i don’t mean i want to start a conversation, i don’t mean let’s activate a movement. when i say i want to talk about being sad, all i mean is i’m sad and i just need to talk about it.

i have dealt with depression. and it sucks, it’s really shitty. my kind of depression i used to have – it was like every moment was bland. every day tasted grey. absolutely nothing mattered, nothing was worth anything. everything i did was just going through the motions.

i had the kind of absolutely indifferent depression, and i remember driving my car home and wondering what it would be like to veer off the junction, what would happen if i continue straight around the bend at 70mph, and i’d drop the thought off maybe a quarter mile further along the highway than where the thought was born. i had the curious kind of depression that wanted to know what it felt like to fall 12 stories, wanted to know if i’d feel anything at all before i’d hit the ground. because it would be fast, right.

it took a lot of therapy to get out of that. and i think because i remember all that, i get very scared when i feel very sad, because maybe i’m scared i’ll turn into that person again.

i am definitely not there right now. this doesn’t feel grey, but it feels like a heavy indigo. it feels like that lead vest they used to put over you for x-rays at the dentist office. heavy and cold and metal and sterile and harsh lights.

i woke up early yesterday and i sat in my apartment trying to down 24 oz of water before my blood donation, but mostly i just sat there. i drank maybe six ounces. i drove to the clinic, taking sips. i parked my car in the front of the clinic and i unbuckled my seatbelt and i sat there and cried.

it was 7:28am on a sunday, and i sat there crying because i didn’t go there out of the goodness of my heart. i didn’t schedule a donation because there are people in need. i made this appointment because it was going to be mother’s day and i had no plans, and this was one way to kill a lot of time without having to feel shitty and be alone. i told myself this was a way to do some good instead of being sad. and i guess i did some good but i sure still felt sad.

and then my best friend’s mom is in the hospital, because she had had a stroke. and she’s like another mother to me, so i go to visit her. and mb it was no good, you know, me already being sad, and then going there and seeing her sick. and honestly okay i think i am mad at my friend for not being better. because it’s mother’s day and his mom’s sick and he’s not rushing to the city to come be with her. and it breaks my heart to see a mother so sad over her son. and it makes me so mad that here’s this wonderful mom, surviving and still here, and here i am with my mom gone, and there he is hiding from his problems rather that appreciating what he has.

i stayed with her until 4:30pm and i then i went to meet my friend moni and her husband for pizza and beer. and it was so good to see them, it had been so long. but by then i was also feeling just so tired. i thought i had plans to see my brother after he was going to get off work around 9. and i was so tired, but really i thought all i wanted was to see him.  like since last week i had it in my head that if i could just at least be with my brother then maybe it would be okay. so i was super tired, and not even sure if i still wanted to hang out with him or not, and by 8:30 he texted to tell me he’d be working late and he’d just go home.

so i slept.

then this morning i woke up and i don’t know what i had planned. i think i had ideas about starting work early, and getting so much done. but i just sat on my couch for an hour and i think i just considered whether i should make coffee, and i didn’t for another 30 or 40 minutes. i opened my laptop like i was going to get to work, but then i took out the trash instead.

i told my boss today that i’m stressed. that having one of my coworkers gone for the past month is finally taking it’s toll on me. and that is true too. we’re close, and i did tell him about my personal life, about my best friend’s mom in the hospital.

i didn’t get a lot of work done today. i’m upset with myself about it.

i spent a lot of time today wondering what i should do to not feel sad anymore. but i don’t really want to do anything. and this is the thing with being sad: i know that i am sad but i don’t know what to do about it. it is so frustrating. i have this feeling like if i get all my work done, i will feel better. but i feel too shitty to get any work done.

vicious cycle thing.

so i’ve been starting my work days early and working late into the night, and still getting less than a full day of effort in. and i feel like.. i don’t know. undeserving of my job? like a waste of time and money? i feel like a cheat, like i’m cheating my employer by not doing my best. but i’m just not my best right now.

anyway. right now, i’m supposedly trying to get work done but i’m not. i’m writing this, obviously. idk i just hope this passes soon enough. i’d like to get back to being myself again.

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